Just Say Thanks: Learning to Take Compliments

By Laura Donovan

The “taking” of compliments is difficult for many women—in part because women tend to avoid the backlash that comes from seeming haughty or egoistic. Laura Donovan reframes the public acknowledgment of positive traits for Levo.

Like many parents, my mom is my greatest salesperson.

During my brief visit home last month, my mother regaled family members, friends, and acquaintances about all my 2011 accomplishments, whether these folks inquired about my updates or not. Anytime she informed them of my progress, they glanced at me and said something along the lines of, “That’s amazing, Laura— great job.”

Though I internally really relish kudos from others, I’ve always had a hard time verbally accepting compliments or giving a nod of approval to those who applaud me. And I’m not alone. I sometimes find myself downplaying what I’ve done by responding by diverting the conversation to a subject I do not excel in. “Well, I may be great at my profession, but I still have a long way to go until I can call myself a success” or “If only I could love cooking as much as I adore writing!”

I shrug off compliments— all of which I remember and appreciate— so that I can avoid appearing cocky or diminishing less-than-established individuals my age. And while I’m quite proud of my resume, this may not come through to those who take the time to congratulate me.

It’s much better to thank someone for a compliment than to exhibit discomfort or uncertainty about the truth to his or her statement. If you’ve ever found yourself shrugging off the nice words of others to maintain humility or because you’re not totally sure you have earned such praise, read through our steps below on taking compliments.

Know that it doesn’t make you arrogant to acknowledge your worth

There’s a huge difference between vocalizing pride and having a self-satisfied Donald Trump moment. Tooting your own horn a bit for doing something amazing is a universe away from going out of your way to tell the people who take their hats off to you, “Yeah I know I’m awesome. I’m so cool, I deserve a verified Twitter account.” Once you demonstrate that you have confidence and know your capabilities, others will have more faith in what you can do. Believe in yourself and others may begin to develop a higher opinion of you.

Remember that your hesitance is universal

Considering the inflated egos of so many outspoken people out there, it’s sometimes hard to believe that people have trouble taking compliments or recognizing their value. Throughout her career and professional life, Facebook COO and Levo investor Sheryl Sandberg has encountered similar issues.

“Women need to take a page from men and own their own success,” Sandberg said in her TED talk. “All along the way, I’ve had all of those moments…I would say most of the time, where I haven’t felt that I owned my success. I got into college and thought about how much my parents helped me on my essays. I went to the Treasury Department because I was lucky to take the right professor’s class who took me to Treasury. With Google, I boarded a rocket ship that took me up with everyone else.”

The backlash effect that women experience for promoting themselves is a deterrent for many, making it no wonder that many females have trouble with confidence and openly taking a bow for their successes. Sandberg, who has contributed so much to the tech community and working women’s movement, caught herself in this mindset. So know that if you struggle with these issues, you’re not alone in feeling difficulty taking compliments and credit for what you’ve done.

An important point to consider is that it doesn’t discount your accomplishments to have received help along the way or gotten to your stance in life alone. Last year, Levo co-founder Caroline Ghosn stressed the importance of taking pride in one’s accomplishments.

“Whether someone guided you through your proudest moments or not, you’re entitled to reveling in the glory of achieving something spectacular, so give yourself a pat on the back for all the excellent things you’ve done,” Ghosn said.

Keep it simple

When being complimented, de-tensify your response by keeping it short, light, and gracious. Rather than deliver an in-depth explanation about why you’re not as phenomenal as your mom makes you out to be (ironically making the conversation revolve around you), say, “Thank you very much! I appreciate your support and encouragement.” Then you can change gears and turn the conversation about the other person again. It’s a win-win. Use this discussion as an opportunity to ask what’s going on in his or her life. But before your companion starts talking, replay the compliment in your head so you can report it to your mom later.

List your accomplishments at the end of the day

Before you go to bed each night, summarize all the cool things you accomplished that day, even during fairly slow weekends. Maybe you had a productive day at work or finished that project you spent weeks dreading. Something as small as answering all new emails in your inbox counts, too.

During the weekend, there are plenty of things to be proud of as well. Getting out of the house —- especially after a wild night out on the town —- or doing laundry might not seem like a big accomplishment, but the proactivity that it denotes is commendable. Keep a notebook to chronicle your accomplishments to have a record of each cool thing you’ve done. This will also come in handy during times when you’re in a funk.

The more you remind yourself of your highlights, the more comfortable you’ll be accepting compliments from others. And learning to accept the praise of others can help you to understand where your abilities and strengths lie.

Laura Donovan is a staff writer and editor for Levo. 

Be Aggressive! B-E Aggressive… Right?

A new term has been floating around that describes a dilemma in which we PYPs sometimes find ourselves: “the backlash effect.” It’s a kind of paradox—to be successful, you must be assertive and confident, but if you are aggressive as a woman you are sometimes punished for behaving in ways that are contrary to the feminine stereotype. There is academic thought around the backlash avoidance phenom, and there is evidence that fear of backlash inhibits activation of a goal-focused, locomotive regulatory mode, which subsequently interferes with self-promotion success for women in a way that doesn’t affect men.

So what about this ‘feminine stereotype’ do we need to know, or need to avoid? First comes Backlash:

Frank Flynn, a business school professor now at Stanford, decided to try an experiment with one of his classes to investigate the perception of successful women versus men. He started with a Harvard Business School Case about Heidi Roizen, a well-known Silicon Valley entrepreneur and venture capitalist. Changing “Heidi” to “Howard,” he created an alternative version of the case. Randomly distributing the two gendered versions, he asked his students to go online before class to rate their impressions of “Roizen.” Across the board, the students rated Heidi much harsher than they rated Howard, citing that they didn’t like her, they wouldn’t hire her, and they wouldn’t want to work with her – because she was aggressive. Moreover, “the more aggressive they thought she was, the more they hated her,” Flynn stated about the experiment. Although students believed Heidi to be just as competent, they found Heidi to be less humble, more power hungry, and more self-promoting than Howard. Clearly aggression alone isn’t the golden ticket to success in any workplace.

Being Passive

Passivity is a trademark of Backlash Avoidance: that when faced with an opportunity to self-promote, many of us PYPs find ourselves holding back our impulses to take credit for work we’ve done or accomplishments we value. At some point or another, we have all exhibited “feminine” stereotypes and socialization, casting ourselves as the nice girl, the nurturer, the rule follower, the morale booster. Yet, research shows that women who exhibit ultra–feminine traits are actually seen as less competent in traditional managerial settings. There is no evidence that “acting like a lady” does anything for a woman’s career other than make her well-liked.

Linda Babcock of Carnegie Mellon studied salary differentials between men and women who did and did not negotiate their salaries. The finding was startling—even though she surveyed a cohort that was purely MBAs, only 7% of female candidates negotiated on the employer’s initial salary offer. 57% of their male counterparts negotiated their salaries. A little more aggression and a little less passivity would certainly help us PYPs get ahead here!

Being Assertive

If being passive means doing too little, and being aggressive means risking negative backlash, being assertive is just right.

Being assertive is more an exercise in balance than it is a stand-alone set of behaviors – the art of knowing when to be passive and when to be aggressive. Therefore, the key to being assertive is self monitoring. Another recent Stanford study found that the most successful women exhibit what they call “masculine” traits (aggression, confidence, and assertiveness), but know when to turn these traits on and off. Women who can adapt these characteristics and control their use have a powerful tool: they are chameleons who have mastered the ability to effectively assess and adapt to changing situations and social norms. Let’s take a few examples:

• In meetings, assertive women know when to listen and when to speak up. If you never say anything, you can’t add value. But answering every question or contributing your two cents to every topic dilutes your perspective.
• Assertive women are positive, but not too positive. You should always keep a positive outlook and tone, especially when communicating to superiors. But watch for the treacherous “pep overload” factor. Tone down the exclamation marks and emoticonage, and you’ll avoid the cheerleader pigeonhole.
• In emails, assertive women are direct and succinct. You need context, but probably not as much as you think you need. For formal communications, consider limiting the extra “friendly” text of “how is your family?” and “I’ve been working on XYZ project.” That said, don’t become the Terminator. Be warm! But don’t let it detract from the message.
• Assertive women consider the effects of a discussion on their teams as well as themeselves. Being the martyr and staying up until 4 am to finish a project so the rest of the team can enjoy their Thursday night won’t always get you ahead, but delegating everything risks making you appear cold-hearted. Don’t ever forget to think about your needs (and your health), but don’t get caught up thinking of nothing but yourself.
• In presentations, assertive women avoid diluting the message. Stay away from prefacing your opinions, making excuses for not knowing, and apologizing. Qualifiers can make you look weak; that said, sometimes a good qualifier is exactly what a conversation needs to keep you from looking like a complete know-it-all.

How does a PYP focus on mastering the art self-monitoring our way into being assertive? The best tips we can give you are to know your role, to understand how you are viewed, and to keep tabs on your reputation. Be aware of your words and how they are perceived. Just taking the time to think about how to modify your behavior based on your situation is an effective first step in self-monitoring. And fight the urge to sell yourself short!

-Leslie Zaikis is the director of business development for Levo League.