How to Avoid “The Turkey Talk”

Be a Stellar Auntie this Thanksgiving.

By Laura Donovan

Does “the Turkey Talk” sound unfamiliar to you? Whether or not it rings a bell, you’ve been the victim of this uncomfortable, awkward conversation before.

The Turkey Talk, which comes in many shapes or forms and often strikes at family holiday parties, traps you into explaining “what you’re doing with your life.” It’s the discussion family members try to have with you as you prepare Thanksgiving dinner, attempt to enjoy the feast in front of you, and sprawl across the couch in a state of post-meal lethargy. Turkey Talk questions, which typically pertain to work and dating, are often along the lines of: Do you have a post-graduation job lined up? Have you heard back from any schools? When is your internship going to become a job? When are you going to get a higher paying job? What happened to that boyfriend of yours? Why aren’t you seeing anyone new? Does this mean you’re a lesbian?

Having had family members ask all these questions during holiday gatherings, I know from ample experience that the Turkey Talk can be a source of sheer dread. To cope with the unavoidable grilling session, I hang out with my toddler nephews, both of whom would rather that I play catch with them than share details on my unexciting, unchanging personal life and lack of romantic prospects. Children, who are more concerned with playtime than resumes, remove tension in the air and make it much easier to relax, so divert your need to rationalize your life decisions over the past year by being the hero auntie to your nephews, nieces, little cousins, or youngster relatives.

Here are some helpful techniques for downplaying Turkey Talk.

What to do when told you’ve gained weight

No one appreciates being told he/she has put on a few pounds, even if the remark is supposed to be a compliment. Because I’ve always been tall and gangly, people seem to think I’d love to hear that my “newfound curves” give me a more womanly shape. If you’re still trying to get back down to your pre-college weight, you won’t want to others to say that you’re looking thick, especially as you’re about to sit down for a gluttonous meal, so use such a comment as an excuse to run around outside with your nieces and nephews.

If someone insinuates that you have a fuller figure than last year (it sounds unconscionably rude but family always finds a way to sneak it in, don’t they?), respond with, “I just don’t get enough playtime! Sometimes I feel like I have to spend all my time talking on and on forever to grown-ups. It’s absolutely terrible for my health.” Wink (that part is important). Then carefully RUN AWAY.

With that, you can take the younguns outside and be a lava monster attacking Fort PillowBlanket (or just teach them to play Capture the Flag). Side note: the exercise will also justify the extra helping of crescent rolls you’ve been waiting for all week.

The single girl’s response to dating questions

For the past four Thanksgivings, I’ve been asked whether I’m seeing somebody. Rather than describe a fellow my family members will never hear positive things about again, I’ll defer to the children and say, “No boys worth talking about right now, but hopefully I’ll meet someone as sweet and gentlemanly as [random nephew] someday!” Or if your nephews are all cads, say “I can’t find a man who doesn’t act like [my cad nephew]” and chase him back to the playroom.

How to respond to post-graduation questions

I’ve heard the opinion expressed that asking about a college senior’s post-graduation plans and job prospects in this economy is almost as offensive as asking a woman when she is due who isn’t actually pregnant. It seems melodramatic to me, but I do believe that post-graduation talks can be serious downers and ego-blows for the undecided. As eloquently noted in our very own Renee Tornatore’s recent piece, “The Freak-Out,” graduation chatter is pretty stressful for those in their final year of college, and the way around the standard questions is to admit things are pretty uncertain.

If you’re in No Man’s Land and family members approach you about the next stage of your life, reply with, “I’m honestly not sure where I’m headed, but I do know I can dominate you wimps at touch football right now.” Challenge your younger family members to a game. Show them that you can have fun and remain lighthearted as ever despite your temporarily directionless period.

If you’re waiting to hear back from graduate programs…

Waiting on acceptance letters is cause for much tension, especially when relatives, acquaintances, and friends repeatedly ask when you’re going to know the status of your applications.

If, for the thousandth time this month, family members ask if you’ve received any acceptance letters yet, joke about the cost of higher education. “I haven’t heard from any schools yet, but worst case scenario, I’ll save myself the hundred grand of tuition!” P.S. That’s funny because it’s also true.

If you’re unemployed…

In a competitive culture of results, it can be painful to relay to others that you’re not making any money or having much luck picking up work. You may find it difficult to explain yourself to family members, but they may not know that employed people in your age group are functioning at an unsustainable rate. If given a hard time about being jobless, fill relatives in on the possibility of young employees losing momentum for working themselves into the ground too early in their careers. Here is what you can tell the skeptics:

“I haven’t locked down my 10-year plan. But did you read that Forbes article last week on millennial women burning out before 30? I think a little less lockdown could be good for me.”

What to say when scolded about your low earnings

It’s a family member’s duty to chew you out for taking your dream job and the low income that follows, right? If you’re just out of school, and  you’re not a plastic surgeon or lawyer, it’s not a shame to either have more risk built into your paycheck or just have a lower paycheck than you’ve had in recent years. It sucks, but that doesn’t mean it’s not the new normal.

If relatives tear you apart for bringing home unimpressive paychecks and lacking the savings to be a legitimate grown-up, remind them that you have enough work flexibility to make it home for Thanksgiving. Especially if you’re new to a job with an annual salary, time off for Thanksgiving is often not the norm. Plenty of i-bankers and even consultants will be spending the holiday in New York this year as a result.

“Things could always be better at work, but I’m thankful that I get to come home and spent time with my loving [‘non-judgmental,’ if you’re in a swipey mood] family” you may say. It’s likely that the kids missed you and could use a babysitter, so you can redeem yourself by capitalizing on the freedom your position provides.

Your Boyfriend: if it’s not one thing, it’s another

Even if you’re lucky enough to have a beau to talk about on Thanksgiving, he’ll be the subject of criticism in some way. No matter how amazing he may seem to you, family members will be suspicious by default and toss questions at you like:

Are you in love?
How much money is he making?
When are you moving in together?
How long have you two been dating?
Why hasn’t he popped the question yet?
If you’re so happy together, why isn’t he here today for Thanksgiving?

When the flood of invasive inquiries comes your way, throw everyone off with a joke such as,“Things are tremendous. I’m due in February and we’d like to get hitched before I start to show. You’re free on [random date within two weeks] to fly to Tahiti for the wedding, right?”Leave it at that. Or you can take the route of Levo’s managing editor, and discuss how much you hate your boyfriend and how much you wish he’d do this that or the other thing. It confuses everyone into thinking you have the greatest relationship that’s ever existed, but it comes with added-in plausible deniability—