![Unrequited Love in the Workplace
By Laura Donovan
Opinions vary on office romance. Though often frowned upon and often forbidden, inter-office dating has an undeniable presence in the working world. In a 2011 survey conducted by career resource site Vault, more than 59 percent of participants admitted to engaging in cubicle canoodling. Considering the high number of young people in the labor force, office romance dating has to be expected at some level. It’s also the reason I’m here today, as my mom and dad met on the job in the early eighties.
Office romance hasn’t gone unnoticed by the media or pop culture, but unrequited love in the workplace often flies under the radar. As plenty of professionals know, office love of the unrequited variety is much more complicated than simply having a colleague fail to return your feelings. Perhaps he or she crushed on you at some point, but had a change of heart. This move isn’t unusual to those of us (read: all of us) who have heard a lifetime’s worth of overused excuses from flaky men, yet the rejection can be especially painful if you have to continue working with the guy after he has turned you down and maybe even moved on to someone else.
Regardless of your particular situation, the reality is that you must maintain professionalism in spite of the strained and sometimes awkward relationship that exists between you and your crush. Here are some suggestions for carrying yourself at work after a colleague says you’re nothing more than a friend or fellow staffer.
Go home at your designated leave time once a week
In “Love Actually,” Sarah excels at her job, in part because the only constant in her life is her mentally ill brother Michael— in other words, she lacks a thriving social life. She’s also somewhat motivated to excel due to the fact that she’s in love with company higher-up, Karl. If you’ve ever fallen for someone at work, you know that a love like that could make you want to show up to the office earlier and stick around late into the night.
Once your coworker admits the feeling isn’t mutual, you shouldn’t feel the need to linger at work anymore, unless of course you feel more satisfied when you throw yourself into your professional responsibilities. Try to take off around five or six at least once a week— you’ll avoid the tunnel-vision that long hours brings, and you’ll also minimize the amount of time you’re around you-know-who. Use the extra hour that you would have spent working (or perhaps shooting longing glances in his direction) doing something for yourself. This isn’t running away from the guy. You’re setting boundaries between your personal and professional lives.
Treat yourself
People have different ways of coping with heartbreak. Shopaholics defer to retail therapy. Hard-partiers may imbibe more heavily when sad. I personally eat burritos and splurge on pedicures. Until the initial sting of rejection subsides, invest in yourself a little and do something that will provide you with immediate comfort. The moment I sink my teeth into a swirl of beans and cheese or dip my feet in hot wax, I’m able to temporarily quit thinking about Mr. Wrong and how he wronged me. Don’t do this sort of thing every day, but let yourself indulge in the aftermath of immense disappointment. You put yourself out there and were shot down, so you’ve earned that shopping spree/piece of cake/glass of champagne/nail appointment!
Nicole Johnson, CEO of Personal Edge Consulting, told Levo that losses of any kind take time to recover from and that it’s necessary to let yourself grieve and feel sad about the great American love story that never was. Some people prefer to bottle up feelings of sadness and disappointment, but it’s better to release everything out into the open now to expedite the move on process.
“Give yourself a specific amount of time to lament over your lost love,” Johnson says. “Acknowledge every emotion; let it ALL out.” That said, remember that whenever you exhibit behavior that reflects your internal state, you habituate your body to that process— so read up on anger and rage before letting yourself go completely.
Nicole Williams, career expert and author of “Girl On Top,” is all for taking care of yourself in the face of unrequited love or a breakup.
“[A]fter the initial shock wears off, try to ease back into exercising and going to bed at a reasonable time so you’ll feel rested,” Williams says. “Carry tissues, and maybe download a lot of empowering music on your iPod to listen to while you work. And after a long day, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers or treat yourself to a manicure. It may take some time, but you will start feeling like your fabulous and independent self again. With or without him.”
Resist the urge to hibernate or play hooky
If a coworker makes it clear that he has no interest in moving forward with you, it’s best not to spend too much time around him —- or if you’re like me —- try to change his mind. I swear I’m not a cheesy counselor, but you’re too special to be blown off like this, and if he can’t appreciate your value or seize this opportunity, he’s undeserving of your energy and feelings. Keep a distance and don’t reward him with anything more than professional courtesy. Avoiding excessive communication is the way to go, but don’t use mental health days to veg out on your couch or weep to “Dirty Dancing” like Jess on “The New Girl.” As much as we adore Zooey Deschanel, rolling around on the floor in hysterics isn’t the most constructive way for her character to move on from her cad ex-boyfriend.
“It might seem tempting to spend the day moping in bed with daytime TV and a tub of Häagen-Dazs, but you’ll feel better after you shower and get back into your routine,” Williams says. “You need to face your [him] eventually and it’s better to face them head on the next day.”
Visit with friends more often
Who better to consult at a time like this than your closest pals? A full-time job doesn’t always lend itself to an active social life, so it’s important to make time to organize get-togethers with other people. After a long day at work, you may feel too tired to go out for drinks, but push through the exhaustion to catch up with quality friends. You won’t regret it, and interacting with them is better than moping at home about the malaise of your soul.
Greg Behrendt, author of highly publicized self-help books, “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: A Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy,” says time with friends gets the heartbroken through the end of a relationship. You may not have dated your coworker, but contact with pals is beneficial regardless.
“You may not have him, but you have something far more valuable right now ‑- your friends,”says Behrendt. “We know it sounds corny, but having good friends to call on will get you through the heartbreak you’re feeling more quickly than you thought. Their love and companionship can be a beacon during your darkest hours.”
Williams agrees that now is the time to connect with your pals, but wait until the work day is over to vent about the guy.
“This is where keeping busy with work and friends comes in handy!” Williams says.
Johnson says embracing one’s social network and staying occupied make all the difference when trying to move on.
“Friends, family, colleagues, spiritual leaders, coaches and therapists are available to help you overcome your pain,” Johnson says. “Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remain active…get involved with groups and organizations that fit your interests.”
Remember: This could be a blessing in disguise
Here at Levo, we’re fans of finding the light at the end of the tunnel in all situations. With this apparent misfortune, you’re actually lucky because you won’t have to deal with the stigma or mess of dating a coworker.
Let’s say you two had a good thing going for a while but eventually split: The pain of ending something solid is much more hard-hitting than you’re going through now, which mainly consists of wondering about what could have been. You’re also exempt from annoying office chatter, so be thankful that you’re not the center of workplace gossip for making it “Facebook Official” with the fellow across the room.
Although it may not appear that way, this could very well be the right time for you to give your all at work.
“[W]hen an office crush or romance has failed, the employee should regard this as an opportunity to pursue their career and professional endeavors,” Johnson says. “In this economy, job security is not a guarantee; however, despite the economic climate, a broken heart is guaranteed to heal.”
Get to know your other officemates
If you invested a lot of time pining for one coworker in particular, you have probably paid more attention to him than anyone else on staff for a while. When it’s clear that your relationship will never go beyond professional, feel free to get closer to some of your other colleagues. Invite them to happy hour, initiate coffee or lunch breaks, or even ask if they’re available for a bike ride or museum trip one Saturday. You don’t have to be best buds with these folks, but connecting with other people at work will enable you to forget about your instance of unrequited love and see that there are plenty of other exceptional individuals at the office besides him.
Laura Donovan is a staff writer and editor for Levo.](http://24.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_ly20stY7ED1rnojvoo1_500.png)
Unrequited Love in the Workplace
By Laura Donovan
Opinions vary on office romance. Though often frowned upon and often forbidden, inter-office dating has an undeniable presence in the working world. In a 2011 survey conducted by career resource site Vault, more than 59 percent of participants admitted to engaging in cubicle canoodling. Considering the high number of young people in the labor force, office romance dating has to be expected at some level. It’s also the reason I’m here today, as my mom and dad met on the job in the early eighties.
Office romance hasn’t gone unnoticed by the media or pop culture, but unrequited love in the workplace often flies under the radar. As plenty of professionals know, office love of the unrequited variety is much more complicated than simply having a colleague fail to return your feelings. Perhaps he or she crushed on you at some point, but had a change of heart. This move isn’t unusual to those of us (read: all of us) who have heard a lifetime’s worth of overused excuses from flaky men, yet the rejection can be especially painful if you have to continue working with the guy after he has turned you down and maybe even moved on to someone else.
Regardless of your particular situation, the reality is that you must maintain professionalism in spite of the strained and sometimes awkward relationship that exists between you and your crush. Here are some suggestions for carrying yourself at work after a colleague says you’re nothing more than a friend or fellow staffer.
Go home at your designated leave time once a week
In “Love Actually,” Sarah excels at her job, in part because the only constant in her life is her mentally ill brother Michael— in other words, she lacks a thriving social life. She’s also somewhat motivated to excel due to the fact that she’s in love with company higher-up, Karl. If you’ve ever fallen for someone at work, you know that a love like that could make you want to show up to the office earlier and stick around late into the night.
Once your coworker admits the feeling isn’t mutual, you shouldn’t feel the need to linger at work anymore, unless of course you feel more satisfied when you throw yourself into your professional responsibilities. Try to take off around five or six at least once a week— you’ll avoid the tunnel-vision that long hours brings, and you’ll also minimize the amount of time you’re around you-know-who. Use the extra hour that you would have spent working (or perhaps shooting longing glances in his direction) doing something for yourself. This isn’t running away from the guy. You’re setting boundaries between your personal and professional lives.
Treat yourself
People have different ways of coping with heartbreak. Shopaholics defer to retail therapy. Hard-partiers may imbibe more heavily when sad. I personally eat burritos and splurge on pedicures. Until the initial sting of rejection subsides, invest in yourself a little and do something that will provide you with immediate comfort. The moment I sink my teeth into a swirl of beans and cheese or dip my feet in hot wax, I’m able to temporarily quit thinking about Mr. Wrong and how he wronged me. Don’t do this sort of thing every day, but let yourself indulge in the aftermath of immense disappointment. You put yourself out there and were shot down, so you’ve earned that shopping spree/piece of cake/glass of champagne/nail appointment!
Nicole Johnson, CEO of Personal Edge Consulting, told Levo that losses of any kind take time to recover from and that it’s necessary to let yourself grieve and feel sad about the great American love story that never was. Some people prefer to bottle up feelings of sadness and disappointment, but it’s better to release everything out into the open now to expedite the move on process.
“Give yourself a specific amount of time to lament over your lost love,” Johnson says. “Acknowledge every emotion; let it ALL out.” That said, remember that whenever you exhibit behavior that reflects your internal state, you habituate your body to that process— so read up on anger and rage before letting yourself go completely.
Nicole Williams, career expert and author of “Girl On Top,” is all for taking care of yourself in the face of unrequited love or a breakup.
“[A]fter the initial shock wears off, try to ease back into exercising and going to bed at a reasonable time so you’ll feel rested,” Williams says. “Carry tissues, and maybe download a lot of empowering music on your iPod to listen to while you work. And after a long day, buy yourself a bouquet of flowers or treat yourself to a manicure. It may take some time, but you will start feeling like your fabulous and independent self again. With or without him.”
Resist the urge to hibernate or play hooky
If a coworker makes it clear that he has no interest in moving forward with you, it’s best not to spend too much time around him —- or if you’re like me —- try to change his mind. I swear I’m not a cheesy counselor, but you’re too special to be blown off like this, and if he can’t appreciate your value or seize this opportunity, he’s undeserving of your energy and feelings. Keep a distance and don’t reward him with anything more than professional courtesy. Avoiding excessive communication is the way to go, but don’t use mental health days to veg out on your couch or weep to “Dirty Dancing” like Jess on “The New Girl.” As much as we adore Zooey Deschanel, rolling around on the floor in hysterics isn’t the most constructive way for her character to move on from her cad ex-boyfriend.
“It might seem tempting to spend the day moping in bed with daytime TV and a tub of Häagen-Dazs, but you’ll feel better after you shower and get back into your routine,” Williams says. “You need to face your [him] eventually and it’s better to face them head on the next day.”
Visit with friends more often
Who better to consult at a time like this than your closest pals? A full-time job doesn’t always lend itself to an active social life, so it’s important to make time to organize get-togethers with other people. After a long day at work, you may feel too tired to go out for drinks, but push through the exhaustion to catch up with quality friends. You won’t regret it, and interacting with them is better than moping at home about the malaise of your soul.
Greg Behrendt, author of highly publicized self-help books, “He’s Just Not That Into You” and “It’s Called a Breakup Because It’s Broken: A Smart Girl’s Breakup Buddy,” says time with friends gets the heartbroken through the end of a relationship. You may not have dated your coworker, but contact with pals is beneficial regardless.
“You may not have him, but you have something far more valuable right now ‑- your friends,”says Behrendt. “We know it sounds corny, but having good friends to call on will get you through the heartbreak you’re feeling more quickly than you thought. Their love and companionship can be a beacon during your darkest hours.”
Williams agrees that now is the time to connect with your pals, but wait until the work day is over to vent about the guy.
“This is where keeping busy with work and friends comes in handy!” Williams says.
Johnson says embracing one’s social network and staying occupied make all the difference when trying to move on.
“Friends, family, colleagues, spiritual leaders, coaches and therapists are available to help you overcome your pain,” Johnson says. “Don’t be afraid to ask for help. Remain active…get involved with groups and organizations that fit your interests.”
Remember: This could be a blessing in disguise
Here at Levo, we’re fans of finding the light at the end of the tunnel in all situations. With this apparent misfortune, you’re actually lucky because you won’t have to deal with the stigma or mess of dating a coworker.
Let’s say you two had a good thing going for a while but eventually split: The pain of ending something solid is much more hard-hitting than you’re going through now, which mainly consists of wondering about what could have been. You’re also exempt from annoying office chatter, so be thankful that you’re not the center of workplace gossip for making it “Facebook Official” with the fellow across the room.
Although it may not appear that way, this could very well be the right time for you to give your all at work.
“[W]hen an office crush or romance has failed, the employee should regard this as an opportunity to pursue their career and professional endeavors,” Johnson says. “In this economy, job security is not a guarantee; however, despite the economic climate, a broken heart is guaranteed to heal.”
Get to know your other officemates
If you invested a lot of time pining for one coworker in particular, you have probably paid more attention to him than anyone else on staff for a while. When it’s clear that your relationship will never go beyond professional, feel free to get closer to some of your other colleagues. Invite them to happy hour, initiate coffee or lunch breaks, or even ask if they’re available for a bike ride or museum trip one Saturday. You don’t have to be best buds with these folks, but connecting with other people at work will enable you to forget about your instance of unrequited love and see that there are plenty of other exceptional individuals at the office besides him.
Laura Donovan is a staff writer and editor for Levo.
