Letting Go of Your Desire to be Liked
By Laura Donovan
A year and a half ago, I was that girl. You’ve surely crossed paths with some version of my former self before: the kind who dreams of befriending the whole office and brightening up everyone’s day just by stepping into the room. It’s a counterproductive and naïve aspiration, but a common one at that. Though I’m far from the only person to have experienced impossible hopes of acceptance and unrealistic expectations of others, memories of that point in time make my stomach turn.
As a recent college graduate and intern at a start-up, I was desperate to not only land a position at the company, but also to establish a social network. What better place for an east coast newbie to seek friendship than an office full of motivated, energetic twenty-somethings? The reality, however, is that quality relationships don’t blossom overnight, and an over-eagerness to hang out with individuals you don’t know very well can come across as needy and be met with confusion and suspicion. Rather than being flattered by your warmth, some will wonder why you’re so enthusiastic about their friendship when you’ve barely scratched the surface with them.
Trying to be loved by all can both drain and harm you. Glamour magazine editor-in-chief, Cindi Leive addressed the importance of liberating oneself of the need for acceptance at the 2011 Women’s Economic Empowerment Summit, for which The Levo League was one of the companies on display.
“Let go of the desire to be liked!” Leive said.
Leive may not distribute warm fuzzies to her writers, but she knows how to run a successful publication. All you have to do is take a look at Glamour’s numbers under Leive to understand the positive effects of her leadership. Circulation for Glamour has grown to 2.25 million– the largest rate base in its history– since Leive took charge in 2001. Glamour’s website traffic has also soared 321 percent since its re-launch three years ago. The 72-year-old magazine had established itself long before Leive hopped on board, but she’s undoubtedly responsible for some of its success. If Leive had gotten hung up on trying to be best friends with her workers, would Glamour have been so popular the past decade? Probably not.
“Women don’t need liposuction, they need like-o-suction. Get rid of like from your vocabulary,” Leive continued at the forum. “‘Like’ and ‘um’ can’t be a part of your words when describing your work and business.”
How trying to be liked can harm you at work
Excessive kindness or immediate willingness to compromise could cost you at the office — literally. As I wrote earlier this month, Dr. Timothy Judge of Notre Dame published a study this summer in the Journal of Personality and Social Psychology revealing that females who demonstrate more traits corresponding with agreeability make less money than women who exhibit less of those characteristics. Judge says agreeable females may be taken advantage of as a result of their good nature. By trying to be adored by everyone, you may wind up bringing home a smaller paycheck and stories about workplace bullying instead.
This kind of mentality also typically won’t fly with your superiors, especially if you report to numerous bosses and try to fulfill all of their duties. Vicki Lynn, vice president for research and consulting at jobs website Vault.com, told Forbes last year that attempting to juggle too many tasks can result in spreading yourself too thin and frustrating everybody.
“You try to please everyone, and in the process you please no one,” Lynn said. “Everyone wonders ‘What have you done for me lately?’”
The benefits of having a small circle of work friends
It comes as no surprise that workplace friendships have been proven to boost morale, promote teamwork, increase productivity, and improve an employee’s overall office experience. Conversely, employees can get caught up in petty drama when overly involved in each other’s lives. A 2010 Randstad Work Watch survey reveals that some workers are skeptical of engaging in colleague camaraderie because such bonding could create favoritism, blur professional lines, fuel gossip, or spark conflicts of interest. You may encounter a few of these problems if you’re close with just a couple of co-workers, but if you try to be buddy-buddy with everybody, all of these things will surely catch up with you.
Another downside of office friendship is its toll on productivity. The longer you chit-chat and giggle during coffee excursions, the more time you’re inevitably spending away from your laptop and office. Take these breaks multiple times a day with each of your numerous BFF coworkers and you’ll never get anything done.
“Co-workers who spend a lot of time socializing aren’t doing work,” Michael Jalbert, president of search and recruitment organization MRINetwork, told USA Today in 2007. “Many companies try to create a family-like support at work, but it can interfere. It’s really a huge danger.”
Putting a moratorium on your need for acceptance by all
It’s in our nature to want to be liked. At the end of last year, self-proclaimed life coach Lisa Haisha wrote a Huffington Post instructional article with the ambitious title, “How to Be Liked Instantly,” which has more than 500 Facebook recommendations and 300 comments. A February study published in the Journal of Consumer Research found that socially excluded people will make financial and personal sacrifices to fit in with a unit. The pariahs are more likely to purchase an item associated with a group or buy food they dislike than their non-excluded counterparts.
This phenomenon is especially pervasive among pre-teens and high school students. Outcasts who want to be like the popular girls are more likely to go out and get what all the cool kids are wearing. As most of us know from experience, dressing a certain way does not guarantee a spot at the popular table, just as forcing yourself on others won’t land you any new friends. I learned at a young age that not everyone is interested in getting to know me, and I should have remembered this when I immersed into the work force last September.
A lot has changed since I metaphorically begged all of my coworkers to let me join in on their fun last year. I spent more time examining the crop of workers, put my efforts to rest, and eventually connected with a select few.
I just started a fabulous new job at The Levo League, and though I’m a huge fan of the entire staff, I’m not anxiously trying to push myself on the team. The greatest connections form organically, and such bonds wouldn’t be special if you were to have them with everyone in sight. Instead, find a handful of awesome people to whom you can relate. A few good friends are all you really need.
Laura Donovan is a staff writer and editor for Levo.
